I went back to work yesterday. Everyone keeps telling me that this is the right thing to do. "It'll take your mind off things." "Get back to your routine, it will help you move on." BullShit! I dont want to get my mind of things and I sure as hell dont want to "move on". I want to lie in my bed and think of you. I hate myself while i'm at work. I feel like I'm running out on you. I feel that I'm leaving you. But Mom and Vicki keep saying that "A.C. would want you to keep going, he was so proud of you becoming a doctor." I know you were. But that doesn't make the hurt stop. And I know I'm useless at work. People talk to me and I cant remember what they told me to do. I read my textbook, but then I dont remember what I read. I feel like I'm trying so hard to make it through the day, but I feel like I'm moving in slow motion. I want to go home and be with mom and dad and help them or at least just feel the comfort of being at home. But I think maybe they dont want me home so that they can have the freedom to grieve in their own way. Maybe they feel that they wouldnt be able to show all their devastation because they might feel they have to be strong for me??? At least thats what I keep telling myself.
I hate being at work because I look at all these people, drug addicts, child abusers, moochers, criminals, etc. and I think I'm spending my day helping these people and its people like this that are the reason you are not here.
I miss you so much. I have this pain in my heart. and people keep telling me that everyday it will get a little easier. What does that even mean?! How could I want it to get easier!! because that would mean it has reached a point where it is easy to live without you and that just cannot be possible! I dont ever want it to be that way!
People started putting up Christmas decorations. I love Christmas and there is this part of me that really wants to put up the tree and play Christmas music so, just for a moment, i can pretend that everything is ok. But I know it wont be the same without you. I am so thankful for last Christmas, when we all decided to skip out on the big family reunion and just stay home and play Apples to Apples. What great memories!
You're funeral was amazing. The church was packed. You touched so many people in so many ways. With your endless kindness and generosity. Everyone wore red since that is your favorite color. And we sent you off with your poptarts and your Wired and Rolling Stone Magazine. Dad gave you his pocket knife (the one I bought him in Switzerland). Elliott also made sure you have your Sig Ep pins. And I put you the red tie I bought you from Italy. You would have been so proud of Elliott. As I was watching him speak, It was as if he aged about 10 years while standing behind that pulpit. I feel like for the first time I didnt see him as my baby brother but as a Man. He spoke of the Easter story and he spoke about what a great brother you are. Always forgiving him and encouraging him to be his best. That's what you did for everyone.
I hope you know how much i love you! I fear that you may not know how proud I am to be your sister. You are so important to me and I wanted you to have the World because you deserve it. I know Elliott and I always joked about you being the Favorite child, but that's just because we know that deep down you truly are a better person than we are.
I love you so much!