Sunday, April 8, 2012

Day 141: A.C.'s Easter Story

I haven't been writing on here very much, mainly because I'm sad, but also, Its hard to share my feelings with the rest of the world.  I feel that my heartache and pain and emotional pleas for A.C. are meant to be between me and him.  However, today is a special day for my family as we sit and think of A.C.  He is a man who is filled with a desire to make people happy.  Even a total stranger.  He would go unbelievably out of his way for anyone to make them feel special.  Especially if that person was a child. 

This story is about 2 children and how A.C. went to considerable lengths to make their Easter unforgettable. 

Last year, A.C. and I thought it would be fun to dye Easter eggs.  We spent the evening mixing dye and trying to find just the right shades.  It will forever remain one of my favorite memories of him.

The rest of the evening was uneventful, watching tv or something until we all went to bed.   The next morning, we were having brunch out on the patio but A.C. kept looking around the corner at the neighbor's house.  We finally asked him what he was looking for.  He didn't reply, just asked us if we thought they were awake yet.  We all looked at him puzzled, (why do we care if the neighbors are awake or not??) and begged him to tell us what was going on. 

He said that last night, after we all went to bed, he got in his car and drove to WalMart.  He bought plastic Easter eggs and candy and small gifts.  He stayed up all night filling each egg with candy or little prizes.  Then walked over to the neighbor's house and strategically placed each one for the 2 children to find.  He started with a trail of eggs leading down from their back steps where they would see a colorful array of eggs dispersed throughout the yard. He had them hidden on their back porch, in the trees, in the flower bed, some easily placed in the yard for the little one.  After he tells us this story, we are all looking at him with confusion and amazement.  Why?? Why did you do this? What possessed you to stay up all night and give this gift to these kids that you've never even met?? His reply: I dont know, sounded like fun! 

Well, mom marched right over there to inform them that all this activity was in fact A.C.'s doing and not a crazy person/sexual predator, and that the candy was safe to eat and not filled with razor blades or something of that nature.  Moms.... who thinks of stuff like that??  Anyway, when she came back, her eyes were filled with tears.  Here is what the neighbors told her:

The neighbors consist of a single mom with 2 small children.  After an unfortunate series of events, she and her 2 small children had to move back home with her parents.  The three of them live in a small apartment above the garage.  In the main house, lives the 2 grandparents, one of which is suffering from alzheimers.  When the mother awoke that morning and opened the back door to walk down the stairs to take her kids to Sunday breakfast with the grandparents, she was shocked to see the yard.  As her kids started running after the eggs screaming "The Easter Bunny Came!!!" over and over and giggling with excitement at their new found treasures, the mom was filled with a sense of guilt.  She had completely forgotten that today was Easter.  She ran inside the main house and thanked her parents for remembering the holiday and for giving these gifts to the kids.  The grandparents looked at her confused.  They too had forgotten the holiday.  Then, they sat outside and watched as the kids hunted for the eggs and squealed with delight as each one was found and opened to reveal the hidden surprises of candy.  Who could have given them this special day??

As mom told us this story, we all turned to look at A.C., jaws dropped, in how amazing this story was.  What in the world could have possessed him to do such a thing for these kids.  And what were the odds that 3 people in the house next door completely forgot that it was a holiday.  But because of A.C. the kids never had to know that they were forgotten. 

A.C.- always willing to go the extra mile to make someone feel special.  Always willing to give of himself to make others feel loved.  Always seeking for ways to be kind and NEVER looking for anything in return. 

I tell you this story to remind you that everyday we feel something deep in our heart, or in our soul, a little nudge to show kindness to others around us.  So next time you feel that inclination to compliment someone, or get someone a card, or to go out of your way to buy someone a gift or do them a favor, And you have that moment when you start talking yourself out of it, you tell yourself, Well, we're not really that good of friends, or I dont really know them that well, or I'm sure someone else will take care of that, or whatever excuse you may come up with to NOT do the nice gesture... Just Remember, Its A.C., tugging on your heart strings, because he knows that this person may be having a rough time, and needs a little extra kindness, and he's using you to make that person feel special.   So do it.  Do the random act of kindness because deep down, you know A.C. wouldn't have hesitated.

Happy Easter Bubba!!

I miss you

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Day 46

Its 2012.  A new year.  With new possibilities.  New hopes.  New dreams.  It doesnt even feel real.  Jan 1st was so incredibly hard!  I cant imagine that a new year has begun and you're not in it.  I feel like i'm in this weird state of disbelief.  I almost called you on Jan 1 to ask you what you did on NYE!  How horrible.  But for that brief moment, you were still here.  For that milisecond, I thought I could just pick up the phone and give you a call and catch up!  And then i remembered.  Devastation crept back in, and I fell apart.  I miss you so much!  Its not right.  This is not how your life was supposed to turn out!  This is not how life is supposed to be!  It should not be you that died that night!! You should be here, with your family.  We need you here!  We dont know how to function with out you.  And speaking of functioning... I just have to say, I absolutely HATE it when people tell me how "Strong I am".  They come up to me in the hospital and they say, "Wow Alexis, you are so strong.  If that was my brother, I could not even function, and you.. you're back at work already!! So amazing.  you are so strong."  But what it feels like they are saying is..."you heartless bitch, didn't you love your brother at all?!" I really hate it when people say that to me! It's like a knife in my heart.

Jan 2 was my 3rd wedding anniversary.  And I'm so glad you were my best man!  I know everyone thought it was strange that I picked my 2 brothers to be my attendants, and i remember, Elliott wasn't all that thrilled about it either.  But to have you and Elliott stand next to me on that day, was so special to me.  I tried to celebrate our anniversary yesterday and make it a nice day for hunter.  But I kept thinking about you.  About the toast you gave at the reception.  About how you made that funny face when he said Kiss the Bride.  How you and Elliott jumped off the stage and high fived like the end of some 80's movie as we walked out of the church.  I have secretly wished that I had started a tradition with my wedding and somehow we would all be eachother's best man.  Like Elliott would be yours and then I would be Elliott's or something like that.  You know, keep that role in the family.  And even though you didn't throw me a bachelorette party, I wouldnt have held that against you.  I would have thrown you the most awesome bachelor party!!!  You know we would have gone to Vegas!!!

Today was the start of a new rotation: Neuro/Optho.  over the break, I thought I would be ready this time, to go back to work.  Nope.  It was still hard.  I just wanted to back to Greenwood and be with mom and dad and elliott.  I kept thinking about them all day.  I feel like i am abandoning them by coming back to Little Rock.  I feel like they need me.  And I'm not trying to make my self sound like this all important person that fixes everything, its just our little family has been shattered, and it feels like we need to all stay close together, to hang on, and it feels like that cant happen while i'm in LR.  It makes me feel so disconnected.  I talk to Elliott and he tells me that last night he and dad rewired the cable in his room so they could hang his TV on the wall.  They had this whole evening of bonding time, real Father-son time and while I'm so happy for them.  I really think they both needed that right now.  But I feel jealous, like i've missed out on this family moment.  While I'm at the hospital asking people if they've pooped today! ( Ugh.  FYI I really dislike that part of the job) But I want us to be a family, but in our grief, it just feels like we are 4 people floating around in space, next to eachother, but not really together, not really hanging onto eachother,  And when we talk, it feels fake.  Like we are walking on egg shells around eachother, trying so hard not to upset the other person, so we just stay superficial.  And I hate it!!  I want my family to hold me.  To tell me that one day, we will get through this.  And I dont mean get over it.  I wont ever ever ever get over this loss!  But that we will get through it.  But, that family bond will take time to reform i guess.  Hunter is here.  He holds me.  And He's doing an amazing job.  He has had to put up with a lot from me.  I have done/said some really horrible things to him and he has just been there.  As mom would say, he has been my soft place to land.  I dont know what i would have done without him.  But even though i have hunter, i still long for my family to reunite into some form of my family.  Not go back to the way it was, because I know it can never be that way and I dont want it to.  I'm rambling.  And i'm not sure if i'm making any sense.

one more thing, I just have to say what a great friend Rachel Lowe has been to me.  She texts me almost everyday to let me know she's thinking of me, she's praying for me, or she asks how she can pray for me!!  when i get those texts, i have this sigh of relief, knowing that someone out there is asking God to help me.  Her encouragement and support has truly been a blessing.  If you sent her to me, which I'd like to think you did, I really needed that...Thanks!

Goodnight Bubba.  I love you!