Sunday, April 8, 2012

Day 141: A.C.'s Easter Story

I haven't been writing on here very much, mainly because I'm sad, but also, Its hard to share my feelings with the rest of the world.  I feel that my heartache and pain and emotional pleas for A.C. are meant to be between me and him.  However, today is a special day for my family as we sit and think of A.C.  He is a man who is filled with a desire to make people happy.  Even a total stranger.  He would go unbelievably out of his way for anyone to make them feel special.  Especially if that person was a child. 

This story is about 2 children and how A.C. went to considerable lengths to make their Easter unforgettable. 

Last year, A.C. and I thought it would be fun to dye Easter eggs.  We spent the evening mixing dye and trying to find just the right shades.  It will forever remain one of my favorite memories of him.

The rest of the evening was uneventful, watching tv or something until we all went to bed.   The next morning, we were having brunch out on the patio but A.C. kept looking around the corner at the neighbor's house.  We finally asked him what he was looking for.  He didn't reply, just asked us if we thought they were awake yet.  We all looked at him puzzled, (why do we care if the neighbors are awake or not??) and begged him to tell us what was going on. 

He said that last night, after we all went to bed, he got in his car and drove to WalMart.  He bought plastic Easter eggs and candy and small gifts.  He stayed up all night filling each egg with candy or little prizes.  Then walked over to the neighbor's house and strategically placed each one for the 2 children to find.  He started with a trail of eggs leading down from their back steps where they would see a colorful array of eggs dispersed throughout the yard. He had them hidden on their back porch, in the trees, in the flower bed, some easily placed in the yard for the little one.  After he tells us this story, we are all looking at him with confusion and amazement.  Why?? Why did you do this? What possessed you to stay up all night and give this gift to these kids that you've never even met?? His reply: I dont know, sounded like fun! 

Well, mom marched right over there to inform them that all this activity was in fact A.C.'s doing and not a crazy person/sexual predator, and that the candy was safe to eat and not filled with razor blades or something of that nature.  Moms.... who thinks of stuff like that??  Anyway, when she came back, her eyes were filled with tears.  Here is what the neighbors told her:

The neighbors consist of a single mom with 2 small children.  After an unfortunate series of events, she and her 2 small children had to move back home with her parents.  The three of them live in a small apartment above the garage.  In the main house, lives the 2 grandparents, one of which is suffering from alzheimers.  When the mother awoke that morning and opened the back door to walk down the stairs to take her kids to Sunday breakfast with the grandparents, she was shocked to see the yard.  As her kids started running after the eggs screaming "The Easter Bunny Came!!!" over and over and giggling with excitement at their new found treasures, the mom was filled with a sense of guilt.  She had completely forgotten that today was Easter.  She ran inside the main house and thanked her parents for remembering the holiday and for giving these gifts to the kids.  The grandparents looked at her confused.  They too had forgotten the holiday.  Then, they sat outside and watched as the kids hunted for the eggs and squealed with delight as each one was found and opened to reveal the hidden surprises of candy.  Who could have given them this special day??

As mom told us this story, we all turned to look at A.C., jaws dropped, in how amazing this story was.  What in the world could have possessed him to do such a thing for these kids.  And what were the odds that 3 people in the house next door completely forgot that it was a holiday.  But because of A.C. the kids never had to know that they were forgotten. 

A.C.- always willing to go the extra mile to make someone feel special.  Always willing to give of himself to make others feel loved.  Always seeking for ways to be kind and NEVER looking for anything in return. 

I tell you this story to remind you that everyday we feel something deep in our heart, or in our soul, a little nudge to show kindness to others around us.  So next time you feel that inclination to compliment someone, or get someone a card, or to go out of your way to buy someone a gift or do them a favor, And you have that moment when you start talking yourself out of it, you tell yourself, Well, we're not really that good of friends, or I dont really know them that well, or I'm sure someone else will take care of that, or whatever excuse you may come up with to NOT do the nice gesture... Just Remember, Its A.C., tugging on your heart strings, because he knows that this person may be having a rough time, and needs a little extra kindness, and he's using you to make that person feel special.   So do it.  Do the random act of kindness because deep down, you know A.C. wouldn't have hesitated.

Happy Easter Bubba!!

I miss you

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Day 46

Its 2012.  A new year.  With new possibilities.  New hopes.  New dreams.  It doesnt even feel real.  Jan 1st was so incredibly hard!  I cant imagine that a new year has begun and you're not in it.  I feel like i'm in this weird state of disbelief.  I almost called you on Jan 1 to ask you what you did on NYE!  How horrible.  But for that brief moment, you were still here.  For that milisecond, I thought I could just pick up the phone and give you a call and catch up!  And then i remembered.  Devastation crept back in, and I fell apart.  I miss you so much!  Its not right.  This is not how your life was supposed to turn out!  This is not how life is supposed to be!  It should not be you that died that night!! You should be here, with your family.  We need you here!  We dont know how to function with out you.  And speaking of functioning... I just have to say, I absolutely HATE it when people tell me how "Strong I am".  They come up to me in the hospital and they say, "Wow Alexis, you are so strong.  If that was my brother, I could not even function, and you.. you're back at work already!! So amazing.  you are so strong."  But what it feels like they are saying is..."you heartless bitch, didn't you love your brother at all?!" I really hate it when people say that to me! It's like a knife in my heart.

Jan 2 was my 3rd wedding anniversary.  And I'm so glad you were my best man!  I know everyone thought it was strange that I picked my 2 brothers to be my attendants, and i remember, Elliott wasn't all that thrilled about it either.  But to have you and Elliott stand next to me on that day, was so special to me.  I tried to celebrate our anniversary yesterday and make it a nice day for hunter.  But I kept thinking about you.  About the toast you gave at the reception.  About how you made that funny face when he said Kiss the Bride.  How you and Elliott jumped off the stage and high fived like the end of some 80's movie as we walked out of the church.  I have secretly wished that I had started a tradition with my wedding and somehow we would all be eachother's best man.  Like Elliott would be yours and then I would be Elliott's or something like that.  You know, keep that role in the family.  And even though you didn't throw me a bachelorette party, I wouldnt have held that against you.  I would have thrown you the most awesome bachelor party!!!  You know we would have gone to Vegas!!!

Today was the start of a new rotation: Neuro/Optho.  over the break, I thought I would be ready this time, to go back to work.  Nope.  It was still hard.  I just wanted to back to Greenwood and be with mom and dad and elliott.  I kept thinking about them all day.  I feel like i am abandoning them by coming back to Little Rock.  I feel like they need me.  And I'm not trying to make my self sound like this all important person that fixes everything, its just our little family has been shattered, and it feels like we need to all stay close together, to hang on, and it feels like that cant happen while i'm in LR.  It makes me feel so disconnected.  I talk to Elliott and he tells me that last night he and dad rewired the cable in his room so they could hang his TV on the wall.  They had this whole evening of bonding time, real Father-son time and while I'm so happy for them.  I really think they both needed that right now.  But I feel jealous, like i've missed out on this family moment.  While I'm at the hospital asking people if they've pooped today! ( Ugh.  FYI I really dislike that part of the job) But I want us to be a family, but in our grief, it just feels like we are 4 people floating around in space, next to eachother, but not really together, not really hanging onto eachother,  And when we talk, it feels fake.  Like we are walking on egg shells around eachother, trying so hard not to upset the other person, so we just stay superficial.  And I hate it!!  I want my family to hold me.  To tell me that one day, we will get through this.  And I dont mean get over it.  I wont ever ever ever get over this loss!  But that we will get through it.  But, that family bond will take time to reform i guess.  Hunter is here.  He holds me.  And He's doing an amazing job.  He has had to put up with a lot from me.  I have done/said some really horrible things to him and he has just been there.  As mom would say, he has been my soft place to land.  I dont know what i would have done without him.  But even though i have hunter, i still long for my family to reunite into some form of my family.  Not go back to the way it was, because I know it can never be that way and I dont want it to.  I'm rambling.  And i'm not sure if i'm making any sense.

one more thing, I just have to say what a great friend Rachel Lowe has been to me.  She texts me almost everyday to let me know she's thinking of me, she's praying for me, or she asks how she can pray for me!!  when i get those texts, i have this sigh of relief, knowing that someone out there is asking God to help me.  Her encouragement and support has truly been a blessing.  If you sent her to me, which I'd like to think you did, I really needed that...Thanks!

Goodnight Bubba.  I love you!  

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Day 30

One Month.  You have been gone one month. 

And it still hurts.  Friday was my last day of work.  I started crying during my quiz.  It was awkward, but I couldnt stop it.  I know everyone around was thinking, "what is she doing?" But I just couldnt help it.  Then I practically ran home, curled up in a ball on the floor and cried for 2 hours!!  So many emotions.  It just not fair!!  You should be here with us, and that loser in the other car should be the one that's gone!! I miss you so much.  I want to text you and call you and see how your day is going.  I want to get those funny pics that you always send us when you're people watching at Wal-Mart. 

Mom, Dad, Elliott, and Kristen are coming to my house today.  I'm so excited to see the family. I've not seen them in 2 weeks.  I've had to be at work so much.  I really need to be around them right now.  We are leaving tomorrow for Cancun.  The trip that we had been planning for months is finally here.  We gave your ticket to Kristen.  I know you would want her to go in your place.  I know you would want us to go and have some family time.  You always put family first.  But none of us really want to go.  But I do want to get away.  I mean it doesnt feel like Christmas without you anyway.  I dont have my tree up, i dont have any decorations up.  I know how much you would have loved Cancun.  You love being in the sun and water.  you love having adventures.  And this will be an adventure.  You know, this is Dad's first time outside of the country!!  First time to ever use a passport!  It would have been your first time too, right?  I tried to get you to go to Germany with me.  I really wish you had.  At the time, i was thinking, there will be time later, but there wasnt.  There's no time.  Dont waste anymore time!  That's another reason why i want us to still go on the trip.  Life is so short, and I dont want to miss another thing.

I guess that's the stage of grief i'm in.  Although, i dont think that's part of the 5 stages, but I want to eat what I want, do what I want, say what i want because apparently, it can all be over at any time.  Calories?? Who cares.  just do what you want!  Gain 10 lbs!  Who cares, cause I may not be here tomorrow, so what does it matter if I take care of my body.  But on the flip side of that, I dont feel like having fun.  I dont feel like enjoying life either, because it feels wrong since you're not here to enjoy things with me.  We had a Christmas party to go to this weekend, but we didnt go.  Neither of us was really in the dancing mood.  It feels wrong to have fun, to smile, to enjoy things.  So it also feels wrong to go on the trip. 

Vicki keeps telling me that if i just open my heart, I will be able to hear you, to feel your presence.  I am trying, but I just feel empty.  She says, that if i really listen, I will hear you telling me that you're not suffering, your in a place where you are so happy, and you're looking down on us wanting us to not grieve forever, but to remember all you're happy memories and enjoy the time we have here together.  I'm trying to hear you.  I'm really trying.

One Month. 

Friday, December 9, 2011

Day 21

I had a dream about you last night.  Actually I had 2 dreams.  The first one: You, me, hunter, elliott, and ryan were all on top of Pinnacle Mountain.  We were having a great time, enjoying the beautiful view, when you decided to start playing around.  You were jumping from large rock to large rock, when suddenly you fell off.  You didnt fall far, but you hit your head and you were bleeding. We all climbed down to rescue you but the bleeding was so extensive.  We were able to get you back to the top and somehow ryan's car was there.  Hunter carried you to the car where he placed your head in my lap so I could hold pressure as we drove to the hospital.  I kept telling you it would be ok and you just looked deep into my eyes.  Either I woke up, or i dont remember the ending, either way, it was upsetting.  I laid there for a while before I fell back asleep.  The next dream, we were at a church for a wedding. I was on stage at this wedding, when I saw you sitting on the front row.  i ran down to you and we started talking.  I was so happy to see you.  You looked great.  You looked happy.  then someone on stage started calling my name because i had interrupted the wedding.  I turned around to tell them to leave me alone, Cant you see my brother is here!!! when i looked back to you, you were gone.  I keep trying to remember what you told me, But i cant.  why cant I hear it again??? Was this you really coming to visit me?? Were you telling me happy things, were you telling me that were gonna be ok? Were you telling me something important!  were you giving me instructions?? A.C.,  i dont remember!!  You have to come back and tell me again! PLEASE!!

Hunter and I take our final tomorrow.  I have been studying all day...Sort of.  Its hard to care about this right now.  I want to do well on the test... for you... but its hard to find the motivation, because on the grand scheme of things, it feels like this test doesnt really matter.  And probably it doesnt.  I'm worried about mom and dad.  mom decided to clean out the garage this week.  Seriously clean it.  You know how bad it is.  She got a dumpster brought to the house and started throwing all of dad's hoarding away.  You know dad was about to have a heart attack.  I mean, sure, it needed to be day.  But i dont think it needed to be done today, and certainly not in that way.  I hope dad is going to be ok.  i think he is trying so hard to be strong for mom, that he's not getting to express his emotions.  I think we are all trying to be strong for mom.  But I'm not sure how well mom is doing.  When i call her, she will only talk to me for a few minutes. it bothers me, because i want her to have a real conversation with me.  I want her to ask me how i'm doing for real! I want talk about you and how sad i am, but i feel that that's not what she wants to hear, so I dont tell her.  I just tell her about my day, and try not to make it sound as pathetic as i feel.  They also bought you a car today!!  A red Chevy Cruze.  You would love it.  Its really nice.  I know mom is just reaching for anything she thinks will ease her pain.  But i know this wont do it.  Nothing will do that!  only you.  I wish you could just tell me what to do!

It still doesnt feel real.  I have your picture as my background on my computer, and when i look at it, I go into complete denial.  Sometimes, i tell myself that you are not really gone, and i imagine you traveling for work.  I have this picture in my mind, you have on a red tie, your sleeves rolled up, your aviator sunglasses on, and you are at a job site, taking measurements and writing down facts and figures and making sketches.  and you are in an area with bad cell reception and that's why we cant talk to you right now. But you will call us when you can. And you tell us of all the fun adventures you are having with your job.  The job you loved so much. 

Please come back and visit me.  Tell me what to do, because I'm drowning down here.  Tell me how to take care of mom and dad.  Tell me how to be a wife again.  Tell me what to do for Elliott.  Tell me how to not be angry.  Tell me what i'm supposed to do now?!  and please just give me some comfort.  Let me know that you are ok, that you're happy.  Tell me that there was a purpose in you leaving us so young!  Tell me that you love me, and that you know I love you.  Tell me you forgive me.  And please just come back and let me see your smile again. 

Good night Bubba.  I love you.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Day 17

Well, I made it one full week at work.  I dont mean it to sound like an accomplishment.  Everyday was a struggle.  I did not want to get out of bed every morning.  I really just want to lay there and feel sorry for myself.  I dont think that is too much to ask.  Then I would have to walk the halls everyday at the hospital and wonder "what am I doing here?!"  I talked to the Dean about taking a Leave of absence.  he said that I had that opportunity.  But mom and dad really want me to finish the semester.  They keep saying, "AC was so proud of you being a Doctor, he wouldn't want this to stop you." So I keep going, not for you, bubba, but for them.  Maybe it gives them something to hold onto right now?  Maybe not?  I really hate being there, especially the ICU.  One, because I was in the ICU when mom called me that morning.  And Two, because i look around at all those people hooked up to monitors and I keep thinking, "why do they deserve to be here?" "Why cant that be you in that bed?" It makes me angry and sad to be there.  It makes me angry and sad to go round on my patients each morning and listen to them bitch and moan about how much their life sucks right now because they cant eat solid foods for 2 days after surgery, or because they cant go smoke their cigarette, or listen to nurses gripe about how annoying patients are.  I just want to yell at them to shut up, I want to tell them what a real bad time I'm having right now.  I think we should bring back the tradition of wearing all black when you are in mourning, just so people will know what state i'm in and watch what they say around me.

Hunter and I went home this weekend.  We were going to go to your house and get all your stuff.  But, by the time hunter and I made it to Greenwood, mom and Dad were gone.  They went there alone to get your clothes.  Mom has been desperately looking for your baby blanket.  You hid it really well.  Greg said he saw it one time at his house.  That weekend he brought the family down to AR.  That was the same weekend we went to the lake with Brian and Samantha.  He said his girls found it and were teasing you??  So mom and dad searched all over Greg's house but couldnt find it.  While they were gone, Hunter and i searched your room and still nothing.  Mom just seemed so depressed and kept saying that she would feel better if we could find your blanket. Saturday, Hunter and Dad went back to your house to get the tv and couch.  While they were gone, I looked in the attic, the game room, mom's closet, my closet, elliott's closet, the hall closet with our ski stuff?? under your mattresses, thru your drawers, in your shoes, in keepsake boxes, in the old Xbox box on top of your closet and nothing.  I kept calling out to you all weekend to just show me where you hid it.  I know its silly, but I even hoped I would have some sort of divine intervention and you would come to me in a dream and reveal the location and the next morning i would walk right up to the blanket and present it to mom and dad and for a second, one small second, they would be happy.  I am trying so hard to comfort them, but I feel like nothing i'm doing is working.  I am even calling everyone everyday and texting them throughout the day to let them know I'm thinking of them. (even tho they dont call me everyday, trying not to be bitter about that) But I feel so inadequate.  I feel like a failure. There's nothing I can say or do to make it right, because i know there is nothing anyone can say to me right now.  Sunday, mom decided you needed new bedding.  Something more masculine i guess? The one that was on your bed had a tear in it and really, i think she just wanted you to have something nice.  So we went to Kohl's and got you this grey comforter.  I think it goes nicely with your black bed and grey/blue walls.  Also, mom has people coming to the house tomorrow to hang your tv on the wall in your bedroom.  I think a 46" tv in your bedroom is a little excessive.  We all tried to convince mom that it should go in the living room, but she wouldn't hear of it.  So, this massive tv is hanging in your room.  You would have loved it.  We drove home around 430.  My heart aches to leave them.  I worry about them.  About what happens when no one is there.  They are alone with their grief in the quiet house staring at eachother.  What do they say? What do they do? Are they fighting? Are they crying?

Hunter and I got into a huge fight the other day.  The biggest fight we've had in years.  I say we, when it was really me lashing out at him.  I said some horrible things A.C.  you would be so ashamed of me.  I told him that he wasn't taking care of me, I told him that he was expecting me to carry him through this.  I told him that it was my turn to grieve and that I didnt care about his feelings right now.  I told him how I hate hearing about what a great time he's having at work everyday and that he's selfish.  And more other really bad bad things that i'm too embarassed to admit right now.  I even broke my travel coffee mug!  I'm so embarrassed. And while it was happening, It was as if I didnt know what was going on.  These words were just pouring out of my mouth and he just sat there on the couch, quietly letting me do it.  After about an hour, i was exhausted and I fell to the ground sobbing.  My heart breaking as I replayed the previous encounter in my mind.  How could I say those things to him.  He's been such a rock for me.  He really has stepped up to the plate and carried me through this.  I think that I had been working so hard to hold my emotions in at work for 8 hours a day, that maybe i just snapped and all my emotions: anger, saddness, fear, bitterness, grief just exploded onto Hunter.  I have apologized everyday for my outburst.  He says he is not mad at me.  He says, he understands what I'm going through (which he does).  He says that he knows why this is happening, because when someone is hurting, you want to know that those around you are hurting too.  He says that this wont be the last time I take my emotions out on him.  I dont want to be hateful.  I dont want to hurt him!  I feel so horrible for this fight, or whatever it was.  He really has been so good to me. 

Sunday night, at around 10 pm.  Mom texts me: I found the blanket.  Apparently, she got this urge to take down some of your yearbooks from the shelf in your closet, and there it was!  All scrunched up behind your yearbooks.  I tore your closet apart not once, not twice, but 3 times, and i never thought to look behind your yearbooks?? why would you hide it there?? But I'm so relieved to know that she found it.  Maybe you put it there so she would be the one to find it.  I keep trying to find hidden meaning and symbols in everything that has happened so far.  Maybe I shouldn't? Either way, it is safe now. 

Monday, Today was a gloomy, rainy day.  Perfect for staying in bed and being lazy.  And thats just how I kept picturing you all day.  Laying in bed, all warm and cozy with your electric blanket, eating a pop tart and watching cartoons.  So silly, a grown man, watching cartoons.  But that was you!  I had a really hard time getting through the day.  I was thinking about you so much, so  I called MADD.  I think I want to get involved somehow.  I want the whole family to be involved!  I found a list of the 5Ks they have in neighboring states, but none in AR!!! Well, we'll just have to change that now wont we!  And you know this time next year, the first AR Walk like MADD 5K is going to be led by me!

Good night Bubba!  I love you!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Day 11

I went back to work yesterday.  Everyone keeps telling me that this is the right thing to do.  "It'll take your mind off things."  "Get back to your routine, it will help you move on."  BullShit!  I dont want to get my mind of things and I sure as hell dont want to "move on".  I want to lie in my bed and think of you.  I hate myself while i'm at work.  I feel like I'm running out on you.  I feel that I'm leaving you.  But Mom and Vicki keep saying that "A.C. would want you to keep going, he was so proud of you becoming a doctor."  I know you were.  But that doesn't make the hurt stop.  And I know I'm useless at work.  People talk to me and I cant remember what they told me to do.  I read my textbook, but then I dont remember what I read.  I feel like I'm trying so hard to make it through the day, but I feel like I'm moving in slow motion.  I want to go home and be with mom and dad and help them or at least just feel the comfort of being at home.  But I think maybe they dont want me home so that they can have the freedom to grieve in their own way.  Maybe they feel that they wouldnt be able to show all their devastation because they might feel they have to be strong for me??? At least thats what I keep telling myself. 

I hate being at work because I look at all these people, drug addicts, child abusers, moochers, criminals, etc. and I think I'm spending my day helping these people and its people like this that are the reason you are not here. 

I miss you so much. I have this pain in my heart.  and people keep telling me that everyday it will get a little easier.  What does that even mean?!  How could I want it to get easier!!  because that would mean it has reached a point where it is easy to live without you and that just cannot be possible!  I dont ever want it to be that way! 

People started putting up Christmas decorations.  I love Christmas and there is this part of me that really wants to put up the tree and play Christmas music so, just for a moment, i can pretend that everything is ok.  But I know it wont be the same without you.  I am so thankful for last Christmas, when we all decided to skip out on the big family reunion and just stay home and play Apples to Apples.  What great memories! 

You're funeral was amazing.  The church was packed.  You touched so many people in so many ways.  With your endless kindness and generosity.  Everyone wore red since that is your favorite color.  And we sent you off with your poptarts and your Wired and Rolling Stone Magazine.  Dad gave you his pocket knife (the one I bought him in Switzerland). Elliott also made sure you have your Sig Ep pins.  And I put you the red tie I bought you from Italy.  You would have been so proud of Elliott.  As I was watching him speak, It was as if he aged about 10 years while standing behind that pulpit.  I feel like for the first time I didnt see him as my baby brother but as a Man.  He spoke of the Easter story and he spoke about what a great brother you are.  Always forgiving him and encouraging him to be his best.  That's what you did for everyone.

I hope you know how much i love you!  I fear that you may not know how proud I am to be your sister.  You are so important to me and I wanted you to have the World because you deserve it.  I know Elliott and I always joked about you being the Favorite child, but that's just because we know that deep down you truly are a better person than we are.

I love you so much! 


Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Made it to 3rd Year!

Wow!  I really thought this day would never come, but now that I'm here, It feels like only yesterday I was starting this journey.  Well, I know you are all wondering.... STEP is over and we both passed!!! We really want to thank you all for your prayers through that very difficult time in our lives.  It really was the hardest thing I think I've ever done.  This summer we studied 12 hrs a day (sometimes more) 6 days a week for 5 weeks.  I lost 10 lbs due to my chronic diarrhea and stress ulcer that prevented me from eating.  I cried almost every day!  I thank God everyday for blessing me with such a patient and loving Husband.  Seriously, a lesser man would have left me!!!  But he held my hand and got me through it!  And now we are officially in 3rd year and spending all day in the hospital on rotations.  I wish I could share some stories of things that have happened to me at work, but due to Patient Confidentiality Laws (aka. HIPPA) I cannot.  But here are some things I can share:

First Day of School Picture... Dont we look so cute!! 

1st Rotation: Psychiatry at NLR VA.  I'll be honest.  I was really nervous about starting Psych.  I didnt know what to expect.  Would people be talking to figments of their imagination?? Would they be violent??  Would there be padded walls and straight jackets??? 

This is the picture of the student office where we saw patients.  Looks legit, right?! 

But.. See the red button?  That's the panic button!  So when I asked, "Will I need to use the panic button?" The physician responds, "oh no, that's just incase.  We've never had a med student get hurt here, but I've only been here for 2 years!" Ok, Now I'm panicking! 

I was very nervous.  But, it really wasnt that bad.  I did see schizophrenia and psychosis and  bipolar and all sorts of things.  But I learned that sometimes the one's with serious mental illness are more afraid of you then you are of them.  I mean if you heard a voice telling you that you were going to die or go to hell everyday, wouldn't you be scared?? So I think my eyes were really opened and I realized that Mental Illness isnt scary. and these patients suffer from other medical problems that often get overlooked due to their mental illness, such as pain or insomnia, or infections.  I learned that psychiatrists really are special people and have a heart to speak for those who often cant speak for themselves. 

I also really enjoyed Psych because it was a nice intro into 3rd year.  The days were really light.  I usually got done around 2 or 3pm.  I was able to get all of my reading done!  It was nice.  Now onto OB/GYN.  Long days!  But, you know I love it!  More updates to come!