Day 17

Well, I made it one full week at work.  I dont mean it to sound like an accomplishment.  Everyday was a struggle.  I did not want to get out of bed every morning.  I really just want to lay there and feel sorry for myself.  I dont think that is too much to ask.  Then I would have to walk the halls everyday at the hospital and wonder "what am I doing here?!"  I talked to the Dean about taking a Leave of absence.  he said that I had that opportunity.  But mom and dad really want me to finish the semester.  They keep saying, "AC was so proud of you being a Doctor, he wouldn't want this to stop you." So I keep going, not for you, bubba, but for them.  Maybe it gives them something to hold onto right now?  Maybe not?  I really hate being there, especially the ICU.  One, because I was in the ICU when mom called me that morning.  And Two, because i look around at all those people hooked up to monitors and I keep thinking, "why do they deserve to be here?" "Why cant that be you in that bed?" It makes me angry and sad to be there.  It makes me angry and sad to go round on my patients each morning and listen to them bitch and moan about how much their life sucks right now because they cant eat solid foods for 2 days after surgery, or because they cant go smoke their cigarette, or listen to nurses gripe about how annoying patients are.  I just want to yell at them to shut up, I want to tell them what a real bad time I'm having right now.  I think we should bring back the tradition of wearing all black when you are in mourning, just so people will know what state i'm in and watch what they say around me.

Hunter and I went home this weekend.  We were going to go to your house and get all your stuff.  But, by the time hunter and I made it to Greenwood, mom and Dad were gone.  They went there alone to get your clothes.  Mom has been desperately looking for your baby blanket.  You hid it really well.  Greg said he saw it one time at his house.  That weekend he brought the family down to AR.  That was the same weekend we went to the lake with Brian and Samantha.  He said his girls found it and were teasing you??  So mom and dad searched all over Greg's house but couldnt find it.  While they were gone, Hunter and i searched your room and still nothing.  Mom just seemed so depressed and kept saying that she would feel better if we could find your blanket. Saturday, Hunter and Dad went back to your house to get the tv and couch.  While they were gone, I looked in the attic, the game room, mom's closet, my closet, elliott's closet, the hall closet with our ski stuff?? under your mattresses, thru your drawers, in your shoes, in keepsake boxes, in the old Xbox box on top of your closet and nothing.  I kept calling out to you all weekend to just show me where you hid it.  I know its silly, but I even hoped I would have some sort of divine intervention and you would come to me in a dream and reveal the location and the next morning i would walk right up to the blanket and present it to mom and dad and for a second, one small second, they would be happy.  I am trying so hard to comfort them, but I feel like nothing i'm doing is working.  I am even calling everyone everyday and texting them throughout the day to let them know I'm thinking of them. (even tho they dont call me everyday, trying not to be bitter about that) But I feel so inadequate.  I feel like a failure. There's nothing I can say or do to make it right, because i know there is nothing anyone can say to me right now.  Sunday, mom decided you needed new bedding.  Something more masculine i guess? The one that was on your bed had a tear in it and really, i think she just wanted you to have something nice.  So we went to Kohl's and got you this grey comforter.  I think it goes nicely with your black bed and grey/blue walls.  Also, mom has people coming to the house tomorrow to hang your tv on the wall in your bedroom.  I think a 46" tv in your bedroom is a little excessive.  We all tried to convince mom that it should go in the living room, but she wouldn't hear of it.  So, this massive tv is hanging in your room.  You would have loved it.  We drove home around 430.  My heart aches to leave them.  I worry about them.  About what happens when no one is there.  They are alone with their grief in the quiet house staring at eachother.  What do they say? What do they do? Are they fighting? Are they crying?

Hunter and I got into a huge fight the other day.  The biggest fight we've had in years.  I say we, when it was really me lashing out at him.  I said some horrible things A.C.  you would be so ashamed of me.  I told him that he wasn't taking care of me, I told him that he was expecting me to carry him through this.  I told him that it was my turn to grieve and that I didnt care about his feelings right now.  I told him how I hate hearing about what a great time he's having at work everyday and that he's selfish.  And more other really bad bad things that i'm too embarassed to admit right now.  I even broke my travel coffee mug!  I'm so embarrassed. And while it was happening, It was as if I didnt know what was going on.  These words were just pouring out of my mouth and he just sat there on the couch, quietly letting me do it.  After about an hour, i was exhausted and I fell to the ground sobbing.  My heart breaking as I replayed the previous encounter in my mind.  How could I say those things to him.  He's been such a rock for me.  He really has stepped up to the plate and carried me through this.  I think that I had been working so hard to hold my emotions in at work for 8 hours a day, that maybe i just snapped and all my emotions: anger, saddness, fear, bitterness, grief just exploded onto Hunter.  I have apologized everyday for my outburst.  He says he is not mad at me.  He says, he understands what I'm going through (which he does).  He says that he knows why this is happening, because when someone is hurting, you want to know that those around you are hurting too.  He says that this wont be the last time I take my emotions out on him.  I dont want to be hateful.  I dont want to hurt him!  I feel so horrible for this fight, or whatever it was.  He really has been so good to me. 

Sunday night, at around 10 pm.  Mom texts me: I found the blanket.  Apparently, she got this urge to take down some of your yearbooks from the shelf in your closet, and there it was!  All scrunched up behind your yearbooks.  I tore your closet apart not once, not twice, but 3 times, and i never thought to look behind your yearbooks?? why would you hide it there?? But I'm so relieved to know that she found it.  Maybe you put it there so she would be the one to find it.  I keep trying to find hidden meaning and symbols in everything that has happened so far.  Maybe I shouldn't? Either way, it is safe now. 

Monday, Today was a gloomy, rainy day.  Perfect for staying in bed and being lazy.  And thats just how I kept picturing you all day.  Laying in bed, all warm and cozy with your electric blanket, eating a pop tart and watching cartoons.  So silly, a grown man, watching cartoons.  But that was you!  I had a really hard time getting through the day.  I was thinking about you so much, so  I called MADD.  I think I want to get involved somehow.  I want the whole family to be involved!  I found a list of the 5Ks they have in neighboring states, but none in AR!!! Well, we'll just have to change that now wont we!  And you know this time next year, the first AR Walk like MADD 5K is going to be led by me!

Good night Bubba!  I love you!