Day 21

I had a dream about you last night.  Actually I had 2 dreams.  The first one: You, me, hunter, elliott, and ryan were all on top of Pinnacle Mountain.  We were having a great time, enjoying the beautiful view, when you decided to start playing around.  You were jumping from large rock to large rock, when suddenly you fell off.  You didnt fall far, but you hit your head and you were bleeding. We all climbed down to rescue you but the bleeding was so extensive.  We were able to get you back to the top and somehow ryan's car was there.  Hunter carried you to the car where he placed your head in my lap so I could hold pressure as we drove to the hospital.  I kept telling you it would be ok and you just looked deep into my eyes.  Either I woke up, or i dont remember the ending, either way, it was upsetting.  I laid there for a while before I fell back asleep.  The next dream, we were at a church for a wedding. I was on stage at this wedding, when I saw you sitting on the front row.  i ran down to you and we started talking.  I was so happy to see you.  You looked great.  You looked happy.  then someone on stage started calling my name because i had interrupted the wedding.  I turned around to tell them to leave me alone, Cant you see my brother is here!!! when i looked back to you, you were gone.  I keep trying to remember what you told me, But i cant.  why cant I hear it again??? Was this you really coming to visit me?? Were you telling me happy things, were you telling me that were gonna be ok? Were you telling me something important!  were you giving me instructions?? A.C.,  i dont remember!!  You have to come back and tell me again! PLEASE!!

Hunter and I take our final tomorrow.  I have been studying all day...Sort of.  Its hard to care about this right now.  I want to do well on the test... for you... but its hard to find the motivation, because on the grand scheme of things, it feels like this test doesnt really matter.  And probably it doesnt.  I'm worried about mom and dad.  mom decided to clean out the garage this week.  Seriously clean it.  You know how bad it is.  She got a dumpster brought to the house and started throwing all of dad's hoarding away.  You know dad was about to have a heart attack.  I mean, sure, it needed to be done...one day.  But i dont think it needed to be done today, and certainly not in that way.  I hope dad is going to be ok.  i think he is trying so hard to be strong for mom, that he's not getting to express his emotions.  I think we are all trying to be strong for mom.  But I'm not sure how well mom is doing.  When i call her, she will only talk to me for a few minutes. it bothers me, because i want her to have a real conversation with me.  I want her to ask me how i'm doing for real! I want talk about you and how sad i am, but i feel that that's not what she wants to hear, so I dont tell her.  I just tell her about my day, and try not to make it sound as pathetic as i feel.  They also bought you a car today!!  A red Chevy Cruze.  You would love it.  Its really nice.  I know mom is just reaching for anything she thinks will ease her pain.  But i know this wont do it.  Nothing will do that!  only you.  I wish you could just tell me what to do!

It still doesnt feel real.  I have your picture as my background on my computer, and when i look at it, I go into complete denial.  Sometimes, i tell myself that you are not really gone, and i imagine you traveling for work.  I have this picture in my mind, you have on a red tie, your sleeves rolled up, your aviator sunglasses on, and you are at a job site, taking measurements and writing down facts and figures and making sketches.  and you are in an area with bad cell reception and that's why we cant talk to you right now. But you will call us when you can. And you tell us of all the fun adventures you are having with your job.  The job you loved so much. 

Please come back and visit me.  Tell me what to do, because I'm drowning down here.  Tell me how to take care of mom and dad.  Tell me how to be a wife again.  Tell me what to do for Elliott.  Tell me how to not be angry.  Tell me what i'm supposed to do now?!  and please just give me some comfort.  Let me know that you are ok, that you're happy.  Tell me that there was a purpose in you leaving us so young!  Tell me that you love me, and that you know I love you.  Tell me you forgive me.  And please just come back and let me see your smile again. 

Good night Bubba.  I love you.