Day 30

One Month.  You have been gone one month. 

And it still hurts.  Friday was my last day of work.  I started crying during my quiz.  It was awkward, but I couldnt stop it.  I know everyone around was thinking, "what is she doing?" But I just couldnt help it.  Then I practically ran home, curled up in a ball on the floor and cried for 2 hours!!  So many emotions.  It just not fair!!  You should be here with us, and that loser in the other car should be the one that's gone!! I miss you so much.  I want to text you and call you and see how your day is going.  I want to get those funny pics that you always send us when you're people watching at Wal-Mart. 

Mom, Dad, Elliott, and Kristen are coming to my house today.  I'm so excited to see the family. I've not seen them in 2 weeks.  I've had to be at work so much.  I really need to be around them right now.  We are leaving tomorrow for Cancun.  The trip that we had been planning for months is finally here.  We gave your ticket to Kristen.  I know you would want her to go in your place.  I know you would want us to go and have some family time.  You always put family first.  But none of us really want to go.  But I do want to get away.  I mean it doesnt feel like Christmas without you anyway.  I dont have my tree up, i dont have any decorations up.  I know how much you would have loved Cancun.  You love being in the sun and water.  you love having adventures.  And this will be an adventure.  You know, this is Dad's first time outside of the country!!  First time to ever use a passport!  It would have been your first time too, right?  I tried to get you to go to Germany with me.  I really wish you had.  At the time, i was thinking, there will be time later, but there wasnt.  There's no time.  Dont waste anymore time!  That's another reason why i want us to still go on the trip.  Life is so short, and I dont want to miss another thing.

I guess that's the stage of grief i'm in.  Although, i dont think that's part of the 5 stages, but I want to eat what I want, do what I want, say what i want because apparently, it can all be over at any time.  Calories?? Who cares.  just do what you want!  Gain 10 lbs!  Who cares, cause I may not be here tomorrow, so what does it matter if I take care of my body.  But on the flip side of that, I dont feel like having fun.  I dont feel like enjoying life either, because it feels wrong since you're not here to enjoy things with me.  We had a Christmas party to go to this weekend, but we didnt go.  Neither of us was really in the dancing mood.  It feels wrong to have fun, to smile, to enjoy things.  So it also feels wrong to go on the trip. 

Vicki keeps telling me that if i just open my heart, I will be able to hear you, to feel your presence.  I am trying, but I just feel empty.  She says, that if i really listen, I will hear you telling me that you're not suffering, your in a place where you are so happy, and you're looking down on us wanting us to not grieve forever, but to remember all you're happy memories and enjoy the time we have here together.  I'm trying to hear you.  I'm really trying.

One Month.