Day 46

Its 2012.  A new year.  With new possibilities.  New hopes.  New dreams.  It doesnt even feel real.  Jan 1st was so incredibly hard!  I cant imagine that a new year has begun and you're not in it.  I feel like i'm in this weird state of disbelief.  I almost called you on Jan 1 to ask you what you did on NYE!  How horrible.  But for that brief moment, you were still here.  For that milisecond, I thought I could just pick up the phone and give you a call and catch up!  And then i remembered.  Devastation crept back in, and I fell apart.  I miss you so much!  Its not right.  This is not how your life was supposed to turn out!  This is not how life is supposed to be!  It should not be you that died that night!! You should be here, with your family.  We need you here!  We dont know how to function with out you.  And speaking of functioning... I just have to say, I absolutely HATE it when people tell me how "Strong I am".  They come up to me in the hospital and they say, "Wow Alexis, you are so strong.  If that was my brother, I could not even function, and you.. you're back at work already!! So amazing.  you are so strong."  But what it feels like they are saying is..."you heartless bitch, didn't you love your brother at all?!" I really hate it when people say that to me! It's like a knife in my heart.

Jan 2 was my 3rd wedding anniversary.  And I'm so glad you were my best man!  I know everyone thought it was strange that I picked my 2 brothers to be my attendants, and i remember, Elliott wasn't all that thrilled about it either.  But to have you and Elliott stand next to me on that day, was so special to me.  I tried to celebrate our anniversary yesterday and make it a nice day for hunter.  But I kept thinking about you.  About the toast you gave at the reception.  About how you made that funny face when he said Kiss the Bride.  How you and Elliott jumped off the stage and high fived like the end of some 80's movie as we walked out of the church.  I have secretly wished that I had started a tradition with my wedding and somehow we would all be eachother's best man.  Like Elliott would be yours and then I would be Elliott's or something like that.  You know, keep that role in the family.  And even though you didn't throw me a bachelorette party, I wouldnt have held that against you.  I would have thrown you the most awesome bachelor party!!!  You know we would have gone to Vegas!!!

Today was the start of a new rotation: Neuro/Optho.  over the break, I thought I would be ready this time, to go back to work.  Nope.  It was still hard.  I just wanted to back to Greenwood and be with mom and dad and elliott.  I kept thinking about them all day.  I feel like i am abandoning them by coming back to Little Rock.  I feel like they need me.  And I'm not trying to make my self sound like this all important person that fixes everything, its just our little family has been shattered, and it feels like we need to all stay close together, to hang on, and it feels like that cant happen while i'm in LR.  It makes me feel so disconnected.  I talk to Elliott and he tells me that last night he and dad rewired the cable in his room so they could hang his TV on the wall.  They had this whole evening of bonding time, real Father-son time and while I'm so happy for them.  I really think they both needed that right now.  But I feel jealous, like i've missed out on this family moment.  While I'm at the hospital asking people if they've pooped today! ( Ugh.  FYI I really dislike that part of the job) But I want us to be a family, but in our grief, it just feels like we are 4 people floating around in space, next to eachother, but not really together, not really hanging onto eachother,  And when we talk, it feels fake.  Like we are walking on egg shells around eachother, trying so hard not to upset the other person, so we just stay superficial.  And I hate it!!  I want my family to hold me.  To tell me that one day, we will get through this.  And I dont mean get over it.  I wont ever ever ever get over this loss!  But that we will get through it.  But, that family bond will take time to reform i guess.  Hunter is here.  He holds me.  And He's doing an amazing job.  He has had to put up with a lot from me.  I have done/said some really horrible things to him and he has just been there.  As mom would say, he has been my soft place to land.  I dont know what i would have done without him.  But even though i have hunter, i still long for my family to reunite into some form of my family.  Not go back to the way it was, because I know it can never be that way and I dont want it to.  I'm rambling.  And i'm not sure if i'm making any sense.

one more thing, I just have to say what a great friend Rachel Lowe has been to me.  She texts me almost everyday to let me know she's thinking of me, she's praying for me, or she asks how she can pray for me!!  when i get those texts, i have this sigh of relief, knowing that someone out there is asking God to help me.  Her encouragement and support has truly been a blessing.  If you sent her to me, which I'd like to think you did, I really needed that...Thanks!

Goodnight Bubba.  I love you!