Day 30

One Month.  You have been gone one month. 

And it still hurts.  Friday was my last day of work.  I started crying during my quiz.  It was awkward, but I couldnt stop it.  I know everyone around was thinking, "what is she doing?" But I just couldnt help it.  Then I practically ran home, curled up in a ball on the floor and cried for 2 hours!!  So many emotions.  It just not fair!!  You should be here with us, and that loser in the other car should be the one that's gone!! I miss you so much.  I want to text you and call you and see how your day is going.  I want to get those funny pics that you always send us when you're people watching at Wal-Mart. 

Mom, Dad, Elliott, and Kristen are coming to my house today.  I'm so excited to see the family. I've not seen them in 2 weeks.  I've had to be at work so much.  I really need to be around them right now.  We are leaving tomorrow for Cancun.  The trip that we had been planning for months is finally here.  We gave your ticket to Kristen.  I know you would want her to go in your place.  I know you would want us to go and have some family time.  You always put family first.  But none of us really want to go.  But I do want to get away.  I mean it doesnt feel like Christmas without you anyway.  I dont have my tree up, i dont have any decorations up.  I know how much you would have loved Cancun.  You love being in the sun and water.  you love having adventures.  And this will be an adventure.  You know, this is Dad's first time outside of the country!!  First time to ever use a passport!  It would have been your first time too, right?  I tried to get you to go to Germany with me.  I really wish you had.  At the time, i was thinking, there will be time later, but there wasnt.  There's no time.  Dont waste anymore time!  That's another reason why i want us to still go on the trip.  Life is so short, and I dont want to miss another thing.

I guess that's the stage of grief i'm in.  Although, i dont think that's part of the 5 stages, but I want to eat what I want, do what I want, say what i want because apparently, it can all be over at any time.  Calories?? Who cares.  just do what you want!  Gain 10 lbs!  Who cares, cause I may not be here tomorrow, so what does it matter if I take care of my body.  But on the flip side of that, I dont feel like having fun.  I dont feel like enjoying life either, because it feels wrong since you're not here to enjoy things with me.  We had a Christmas party to go to this weekend, but we didnt go.  Neither of us was really in the dancing mood.  It feels wrong to have fun, to smile, to enjoy things.  So it also feels wrong to go on the trip. 

Vicki keeps telling me that if i just open my heart, I will be able to hear you, to feel your presence.  I am trying, but I just feel empty.  She says, that if i really listen, I will hear you telling me that you're not suffering, your in a place where you are so happy, and you're looking down on us wanting us to not grieve forever, but to remember all you're happy memories and enjoy the time we have here together.  I'm trying to hear you.  I'm really trying.

One Month. 

Day 21

I had a dream about you last night.  Actually I had 2 dreams.  The first one: You, me, hunter, elliott, and ryan were all on top of Pinnacle Mountain.  We were having a great time, enjoying the beautiful view, when you decided to start playing around.  You were jumping from large rock to large rock, when suddenly you fell off.  You didnt fall far, but you hit your head and you were bleeding. We all climbed down to rescue you but the bleeding was so extensive.  We were able to get you back to the top and somehow ryan's car was there.  Hunter carried you to the car where he placed your head in my lap so I could hold pressure as we drove to the hospital.  I kept telling you it would be ok and you just looked deep into my eyes.  Either I woke up, or i dont remember the ending, either way, it was upsetting.  I laid there for a while before I fell back asleep.  The next dream, we were at a church for a wedding. I was on stage at this wedding, when I saw you sitting on the front row.  i ran down to you and we started talking.  I was so happy to see you.  You looked great.  You looked happy.  then someone on stage started calling my name because i had interrupted the wedding.  I turned around to tell them to leave me alone, Cant you see my brother is here!!! when i looked back to you, you were gone.  I keep trying to remember what you told me, But i cant.  why cant I hear it again??? Was this you really coming to visit me?? Were you telling me happy things, were you telling me that were gonna be ok? Were you telling me something important!  were you giving me instructions?? A.C.,  i dont remember!!  You have to come back and tell me again! PLEASE!!

Hunter and I take our final tomorrow.  I have been studying all day...Sort of.  Its hard to care about this right now.  I want to do well on the test... for you... but its hard to find the motivation, because on the grand scheme of things, it feels like this test doesnt really matter.  And probably it doesnt.  I'm worried about mom and dad.  mom decided to clean out the garage this week.  Seriously clean it.  You know how bad it is.  She got a dumpster brought to the house and started throwing all of dad's hoarding away.  You know dad was about to have a heart attack.  I mean, sure, it needed to be done...one day.  But i dont think it needed to be done today, and certainly not in that way.  I hope dad is going to be ok.  i think he is trying so hard to be strong for mom, that he's not getting to express his emotions.  I think we are all trying to be strong for mom.  But I'm not sure how well mom is doing.  When i call her, she will only talk to me for a few minutes. it bothers me, because i want her to have a real conversation with me.  I want her to ask me how i'm doing for real! I want talk about you and how sad i am, but i feel that that's not what she wants to hear, so I dont tell her.  I just tell her about my day, and try not to make it sound as pathetic as i feel.  They also bought you a car today!!  A red Chevy Cruze.  You would love it.  Its really nice.  I know mom is just reaching for anything she thinks will ease her pain.  But i know this wont do it.  Nothing will do that!  only you.  I wish you could just tell me what to do!

It still doesnt feel real.  I have your picture as my background on my computer, and when i look at it, I go into complete denial.  Sometimes, i tell myself that you are not really gone, and i imagine you traveling for work.  I have this picture in my mind, you have on a red tie, your sleeves rolled up, your aviator sunglasses on, and you are at a job site, taking measurements and writing down facts and figures and making sketches.  and you are in an area with bad cell reception and that's why we cant talk to you right now. But you will call us when you can. And you tell us of all the fun adventures you are having with your job.  The job you loved so much. 

Please come back and visit me.  Tell me what to do, because I'm drowning down here.  Tell me how to take care of mom and dad.  Tell me how to be a wife again.  Tell me what to do for Elliott.  Tell me how to not be angry.  Tell me what i'm supposed to do now?!  and please just give me some comfort.  Let me know that you are ok, that you're happy.  Tell me that there was a purpose in you leaving us so young!  Tell me that you love me, and that you know I love you.  Tell me you forgive me.  And please just come back and let me see your smile again. 

Good night Bubba.  I love you.

Day 17

Well, I made it one full week at work.  I dont mean it to sound like an accomplishment.  Everyday was a struggle.  I did not want to get out of bed every morning.  I really just want to lay there and feel sorry for myself.  I dont think that is too much to ask.  Then I would have to walk the halls everyday at the hospital and wonder "what am I doing here?!"  I talked to the Dean about taking a Leave of absence.  he said that I had that opportunity.  But mom and dad really want me to finish the semester.  They keep saying, "AC was so proud of you being a Doctor, he wouldn't want this to stop you." So I keep going, not for you, bubba, but for them.  Maybe it gives them something to hold onto right now?  Maybe not?  I really hate being there, especially the ICU.  One, because I was in the ICU when mom called me that morning.  And Two, because i look around at all those people hooked up to monitors and I keep thinking, "why do they deserve to be here?" "Why cant that be you in that bed?" It makes me angry and sad to be there.  It makes me angry and sad to go round on my patients each morning and listen to them bitch and moan about how much their life sucks right now because they cant eat solid foods for 2 days after surgery, or because they cant go smoke their cigarette, or listen to nurses gripe about how annoying patients are.  I just want to yell at them to shut up, I want to tell them what a real bad time I'm having right now.  I think we should bring back the tradition of wearing all black when you are in mourning, just so people will know what state i'm in and watch what they say around me.

Hunter and I went home this weekend.  We were going to go to your house and get all your stuff.  But, by the time hunter and I made it to Greenwood, mom and Dad were gone.  They went there alone to get your clothes.  Mom has been desperately looking for your baby blanket.  You hid it really well.  Greg said he saw it one time at his house.  That weekend he brought the family down to AR.  That was the same weekend we went to the lake with Brian and Samantha.  He said his girls found it and were teasing you??  So mom and dad searched all over Greg's house but couldnt find it.  While they were gone, Hunter and i searched your room and still nothing.  Mom just seemed so depressed and kept saying that she would feel better if we could find your blanket. Saturday, Hunter and Dad went back to your house to get the tv and couch.  While they were gone, I looked in the attic, the game room, mom's closet, my closet, elliott's closet, the hall closet with our ski stuff?? under your mattresses, thru your drawers, in your shoes, in keepsake boxes, in the old Xbox box on top of your closet and nothing.  I kept calling out to you all weekend to just show me where you hid it.  I know its silly, but I even hoped I would have some sort of divine intervention and you would come to me in a dream and reveal the location and the next morning i would walk right up to the blanket and present it to mom and dad and for a second, one small second, they would be happy.  I am trying so hard to comfort them, but I feel like nothing i'm doing is working.  I am even calling everyone everyday and texting them throughout the day to let them know I'm thinking of them. (even tho they dont call me everyday, trying not to be bitter about that) But I feel so inadequate.  I feel like a failure. There's nothing I can say or do to make it right, because i know there is nothing anyone can say to me right now.  Sunday, mom decided you needed new bedding.  Something more masculine i guess? The one that was on your bed had a tear in it and really, i think she just wanted you to have something nice.  So we went to Kohl's and got you this grey comforter.  I think it goes nicely with your black bed and grey/blue walls.  Also, mom has people coming to the house tomorrow to hang your tv on the wall in your bedroom.  I think a 46" tv in your bedroom is a little excessive.  We all tried to convince mom that it should go in the living room, but she wouldn't hear of it.  So, this massive tv is hanging in your room.  You would have loved it.  We drove home around 430.  My heart aches to leave them.  I worry about them.  About what happens when no one is there.  They are alone with their grief in the quiet house staring at eachother.  What do they say? What do they do? Are they fighting? Are they crying?

Hunter and I got into a huge fight the other day.  The biggest fight we've had in years.  I say we, when it was really me lashing out at him.  I said some horrible things A.C.  you would be so ashamed of me.  I told him that he wasn't taking care of me, I told him that he was expecting me to carry him through this.  I told him that it was my turn to grieve and that I didnt care about his feelings right now.  I told him how I hate hearing about what a great time he's having at work everyday and that he's selfish.  And more other really bad bad things that i'm too embarassed to admit right now.  I even broke my travel coffee mug!  I'm so embarrassed. And while it was happening, It was as if I didnt know what was going on.  These words were just pouring out of my mouth and he just sat there on the couch, quietly letting me do it.  After about an hour, i was exhausted and I fell to the ground sobbing.  My heart breaking as I replayed the previous encounter in my mind.  How could I say those things to him.  He's been such a rock for me.  He really has stepped up to the plate and carried me through this.  I think that I had been working so hard to hold my emotions in at work for 8 hours a day, that maybe i just snapped and all my emotions: anger, saddness, fear, bitterness, grief just exploded onto Hunter.  I have apologized everyday for my outburst.  He says he is not mad at me.  He says, he understands what I'm going through (which he does).  He says that he knows why this is happening, because when someone is hurting, you want to know that those around you are hurting too.  He says that this wont be the last time I take my emotions out on him.  I dont want to be hateful.  I dont want to hurt him!  I feel so horrible for this fight, or whatever it was.  He really has been so good to me. 

Sunday night, at around 10 pm.  Mom texts me: I found the blanket.  Apparently, she got this urge to take down some of your yearbooks from the shelf in your closet, and there it was!  All scrunched up behind your yearbooks.  I tore your closet apart not once, not twice, but 3 times, and i never thought to look behind your yearbooks?? why would you hide it there?? But I'm so relieved to know that she found it.  Maybe you put it there so she would be the one to find it.  I keep trying to find hidden meaning and symbols in everything that has happened so far.  Maybe I shouldn't? Either way, it is safe now. 

Monday, Today was a gloomy, rainy day.  Perfect for staying in bed and being lazy.  And thats just how I kept picturing you all day.  Laying in bed, all warm and cozy with your electric blanket, eating a pop tart and watching cartoons.  So silly, a grown man, watching cartoons.  But that was you!  I had a really hard time getting through the day.  I was thinking about you so much, so  I called MADD.  I think I want to get involved somehow.  I want the whole family to be involved!  I found a list of the 5Ks they have in neighboring states, but none in AR!!! Well, we'll just have to change that now wont we!  And you know this time next year, the first AR Walk like MADD 5K is going to be led by me!

Good night Bubba!  I love you!

Day 11

I went back to work yesterday.  Everyone keeps telling me that this is the right thing to do.  "It'll take your mind off things."  "Get back to your routine, it will help you move on."  BullShit!  I dont want to get my mind of things and I sure as hell dont want to "move on".  I want to lie in my bed and think of you.  I hate myself while i'm at work.  I feel like I'm running out on you.  I feel that I'm leaving you.  But Mom and Vicki keep saying that "A.C. would want you to keep going, he was so proud of you becoming a doctor."  I know you were.  But that doesn't make the hurt stop.  And I know I'm useless at work.  People talk to me and I cant remember what they told me to do.  I read my textbook, but then I dont remember what I read.  I feel like I'm trying so hard to make it through the day, but I feel like I'm moving in slow motion.  I want to go home and be with mom and dad and help them or at least just feel the comfort of being at home.  But I think maybe they dont want me home so that they can have the freedom to grieve in their own way.  Maybe they feel that they wouldnt be able to show all their devastation because they might feel they have to be strong for me??? At least thats what I keep telling myself. 

I hate being at work because I look at all these people, drug addicts, child abusers, moochers, criminals, etc. and I think I'm spending my day helping these people and its people like this that are the reason you are not here. 

I miss you so much. I have this pain in my heart.  and people keep telling me that everyday it will get a little easier.  What does that even mean?!  How could I want it to get easier!!  because that would mean it has reached a point where it is easy to live without you and that just cannot be possible!  I dont ever want it to be that way! 

People started putting up Christmas decorations.  I love Christmas and there is this part of me that really wants to put up the tree and play Christmas music so, just for a moment, i can pretend that everything is ok.  But I know it wont be the same without you.  I am so thankful for last Christmas, when we all decided to skip out on the big family reunion and just stay home and play Apples to Apples.  What great memories! 

You're funeral was amazing.  The church was packed.  You touched so many people in so many ways.  With your endless kindness and generosity.  Everyone wore red since that is your favorite color.  And we sent you off with your poptarts and your Wired and Rolling Stone Magazine.  Dad gave you his pocket knife (the one I bought him in Switzerland). Elliott also made sure you have your Sig Ep pins.  And I put you the red tie I bought you from Italy.  You would have been so proud of Elliott.  As I was watching him speak, It was as if he aged about 10 years while standing behind that pulpit.  I feel like for the first time I didnt see him as my baby brother but as a Man.  He spoke of the Easter story and he spoke about what a great brother you are.  Always forgiving him and encouraging him to be his best.  That's what you did for everyone.

I hope you know how much i love you!  I fear that you may not know how proud I am to be your sister.  You are so important to me and I wanted you to have the World because you deserve it.  I know Elliott and I always joked about you being the Favorite child, but that's just because we know that deep down you truly are a better person than we are.

I love you so much! 

Priss

Made it to 3rd Year!

Wow!  I really thought this day would never come, but now that I'm here, It feels like only yesterday I was starting this journey.  Well, I know you are all wondering.... STEP is over and we both passed!!! We really want to thank you all for your prayers through that very difficult time in our lives.  It really was the hardest thing I think I've ever done.  This summer we studied 12 hrs a day (sometimes more) 6 days a week for 5 weeks.  I lost 10 lbs due to my chronic diarrhea and stress ulcer that prevented me from eating.  I cried almost every day!  I thank God everyday for blessing me with such a patient and loving Husband.  Seriously, a lesser man would have left me!!!  But he held my hand and got me through it!  And now we are officially in 3rd year and spending all day in the hospital on rotations.  I wish I could share some stories of things that have happened to me at work, but due to Patient Confidentiality Laws (aka. HIPPA) I cannot.  But here are some things I can share:

First Day of School Picture... Dont we look so cute!! 

1st Rotation: Psychiatry at NLR VA.  I'll be honest.  I was really nervous about starting Psych.  I didnt know what to expect.  Would people be talking to figments of their imagination?? Would they be violent??  Would there be padded walls and straight jackets??? 

This is the picture of the student office where we saw patients.  Looks legit, right?! 

But.. See the red button?  That's the panic button!  So when I asked, "Will I need to use the panic button?" The physician responds, "oh no, that's just incase.  We've never had a med student get hurt here, but I've only been here for 2 years!" Ok, Now I'm panicking! 

I was very nervous.  But, it really wasnt that bad.  I did see schizophrenia and psychosis and  bipolar and all sorts of things.  But I learned that sometimes the one's with serious mental illness are more afraid of you then you are of them.  I mean if you heard a voice telling you that you were going to die or go to hell everyday, wouldn't you be scared?? So I think my eyes were really opened and I realized that Mental Illness isnt scary. and these patients suffer from other medical problems that often get overlooked due to their mental illness, such as pain or insomnia, or infections.  I learned that psychiatrists really are special people and have a heart to speak for those who often cant speak for themselves. 

I also really enjoyed Psych because it was a nice intro into 3rd year.  The days were really light.  I usually got done around 2 or 3pm.  I was able to get all of my reading done!  It was nice.  Now onto OB/GYN.  Long days!  But, you know I love it!  More updates to come!

STEP and finishing M2 year

Ok, so I dont think anyone reads this, but I've decided to try to keep up with this thing!  I've had a lot of anxiety lately about the year ending and moving on to the next STEP in my life.  And my mom suggested I keep a journal to help me sort thru all my emotions!  So I guess I'll just do it here.

So yes, as the title suggests, we have finished M2 year!  Thank you Jesus!!! Although, we cannot officially be called Third years until we take STEP.  More on that later.  So we are kind of in this Purgatory.  And yes, I do think that Purgatory is a fitting description.  Why? Because we are stuck in this 5 weeks cram session trying to relearn everything from the past 2 years.  Our days consist of waking up at 6 am and studying like a mad person until we go to bed.  Its gonna be a LOOOONNNNGGGG 5 weeks.  Why are we doing this you ask?  STEP

What is STEP:
Ok, so basically in order to become a doctor, we have to take a few tests to prove we actually know what we are talking about.  There are 3 of them and they are called STEP 1, STEP 2, and STEP 3.  STEP 1 consists of all the knowledge we should have learned over the past 2 years.  The problem is that our school (along with all other med schools) taught us what they wanted to teach us.  But some panel of MDs somewhere all got together to make a test over stuff they feel we should know. And sometimes that material doesnt quite match up. 

**Somehow the rest of this post got deleted?? and I dont remember what I wrote last time, so I'll just summarize:

STEP 2 - we take during our 3rd or 4th year.  It is broken up into 2 parts: Clinical Skills and Clinical Knowledge.  The skills part is an acting test where we are graded on our interaction with pretend patients. 
STEP 3- I dont remember when we take it.  Maybe during residency.

So why am I so stressed out about this test.  Well, it kind of determines what we will do with the rest of our lives.  Its kind of like if the ACT not only determined if you got into college, but also determined what degree program you qualified for!!
 
So thats it.  For the next 5 weeks we are locked away in our house, reading for 12 hours a day (including saturdays!)  Trying to relearn everything we should know, and teach ourselves everything we dont know or didn't learn already.  June 11th is the big day!

So if you are the praying kind, please say some for Hunter and I -- We'll need them!

Bye Buddy

Well, I'm sad to say that on Monday we lost our family pet, Buddy.  He was a 6 year old Yorkie who was very much part of the family.  He was a very good dog and we loved him very much!

We were all so upset that we all started the hunt for a new puppy.  Using the classifieds, I was able to find a very nice lady out of Hector, AR.  She met me in Conway Tuesday afternoon and we picked up the newest member of our family.  

This is .... Well, we dont have a name picked out yet.  He is a 6 week old Yorkie and weighs about 2 lbs.  Elliott met me in Conway and took him home to meet the rest of the family last night.  Everyone was really excited!  

Eye Clinic

Finally something to write about.  Usually when my family and friends ask me about school I dont really have much to say.  Wake up.  Study.  Go to class.  Come home.  Study.  Eat Dinner. Study.  Go to Bed.  Repeat!  But today, we had eye clinic.  This block is over the Central Nervous System and the Eye.  So this afternoon we all got to meet at the Jones Eye Center at UAMS and look into eachother's eyes.  

By the way, Opthalmoscopes are harder to use than you would think.  But now we have one dilated eye and it makes it really hard to study in the bright lights of the library.  So we are at home sitting at the kitchen table with the blinds partially open, laptop backlights dimmed,  trying to focus!!  :)  This should be fun!

P.S. What I learned today:
Get your kids eyes checked before they are 7, some damage may be able to be corrected if detected early!

SNOW DAY!!!

Snow is actually hitting me in the eye right now!  

This is Ruie's "You cant make me come in!" face 

Trying to find the ball

We'll Hold hands and Then we'll go ice skating!!!

 Ice Rink set up at the River Market!

 Hunter Skating Backward... I know... its sickening how he's good at everything!!!

 And yes, I do skate with my butt sticking out!

 Looking classy by the snow people