Day 30

One Month.  You have been gone one month. 

And it still hurts.  Friday was my last day of work.  I started crying during my quiz.  It was awkward, but I couldnt stop it.  I know everyone around was thinking, "what is she doing?" But I just couldnt help it.  Then I practically ran home, curled up in a ball on the floor and cried for 2 hours!!  So many emotions.  It just not fair!!  You should be here with us, and that loser in the other car should be the one that's gone!! I miss you so much.  I want to text you and call you and see how your day is going.  I want to get those funny pics that you always send us when you're people watching at Wal-Mart. 

Mom, Dad, Elliott, and Kristen are coming to my house today.  I'm so excited to see the family. I've not seen them in 2 weeks.  I've had to be at work so much.  I really need to be around them right now.  We are leaving tomorrow for Cancun.  The trip that we had been planning for months is finally here.  We gave your ticket to Kristen.  I know you would want her to go in your place.  I know you would want us to go and have some family time.  You always put family first.  But none of us really want to go.  But I do want to get away.  I mean it doesnt feel like Christmas without you anyway.  I dont have my tree up, i dont have any decorations up.  I know how much you would have loved Cancun.  You love being in the sun and water.  you love having adventures.  And this will be an adventure.  You know, this is Dad's first time outside of the country!!  First time to ever use a passport!  It would have been your first time too, right?  I tried to get you to go to Germany with me.  I really wish you had.  At the time, i was thinking, there will be time later, but there wasnt.  There's no time.  Dont waste anymore time!  That's another reason why i want us to still go on the trip.  Life is so short, and I dont want to miss another thing.

I guess that's the stage of grief i'm in.  Although, i dont think that's part of the 5 stages, but I want to eat what I want, do what I want, say what i want because apparently, it can all be over at any time.  Calories?? Who cares.  just do what you want!  Gain 10 lbs!  Who cares, cause I may not be here tomorrow, so what does it matter if I take care of my body.  But on the flip side of that, I dont feel like having fun.  I dont feel like enjoying life either, because it feels wrong since you're not here to enjoy things with me.  We had a Christmas party to go to this weekend, but we didnt go.  Neither of us was really in the dancing mood.  It feels wrong to have fun, to smile, to enjoy things.  So it also feels wrong to go on the trip. 

Vicki keeps telling me that if i just open my heart, I will be able to hear you, to feel your presence.  I am trying, but I just feel empty.  She says, that if i really listen, I will hear you telling me that you're not suffering, your in a place where you are so happy, and you're looking down on us wanting us to not grieve forever, but to remember all you're happy memories and enjoy the time we have here together.  I'm trying to hear you.  I'm really trying.

One Month. 

Day 21

I had a dream about you last night.  Actually I had 2 dreams.  The first one: You, me, hunter, elliott, and ryan were all on top of Pinnacle Mountain.  We were having a great time, enjoying the beautiful view, when you decided to start playing around.  You were jumping from large rock to large rock, when suddenly you fell off.  You didnt fall far, but you hit your head and you were bleeding. We all climbed down to rescue you but the bleeding was so extensive.  We were able to get you back to the top and somehow ryan's car was there.  Hunter carried you to the car where he placed your head in my lap so I could hold pressure as we drove to the hospital.  I kept telling you it would be ok and you just looked deep into my eyes.  Either I woke up, or i dont remember the ending, either way, it was upsetting.  I laid there for a while before I fell back asleep.  The next dream, we were at a church for a wedding. I was on stage at this wedding, when I saw you sitting on the front row.  i ran down to you and we started talking.  I was so happy to see you.  You looked great.  You looked happy.  then someone on stage started calling my name because i had interrupted the wedding.  I turned around to tell them to leave me alone, Cant you see my brother is here!!! when i looked back to you, you were gone.  I keep trying to remember what you told me, But i cant.  why cant I hear it again??? Was this you really coming to visit me?? Were you telling me happy things, were you telling me that were gonna be ok? Were you telling me something important!  were you giving me instructions?? A.C.,  i dont remember!!  You have to come back and tell me again! PLEASE!!

Hunter and I take our final tomorrow.  I have been studying all day...Sort of.  Its hard to care about this right now.  I want to do well on the test... for you... but its hard to find the motivation, because on the grand scheme of things, it feels like this test doesnt really matter.  And probably it doesnt.  I'm worried about mom and dad.  mom decided to clean out the garage this week.  Seriously clean it.  You know how bad it is.  She got a dumpster brought to the house and started throwing all of dad's hoarding away.  You know dad was about to have a heart attack.  I mean, sure, it needed to be done...one day.  But i dont think it needed to be done today, and certainly not in that way.  I hope dad is going to be ok.  i think he is trying so hard to be strong for mom, that he's not getting to express his emotions.  I think we are all trying to be strong for mom.  But I'm not sure how well mom is doing.  When i call her, she will only talk to me for a few minutes. it bothers me, because i want her to have a real conversation with me.  I want her to ask me how i'm doing for real! I want talk about you and how sad i am, but i feel that that's not what she wants to hear, so I dont tell her.  I just tell her about my day, and try not to make it sound as pathetic as i feel.  They also bought you a car today!!  A red Chevy Cruze.  You would love it.  Its really nice.  I know mom is just reaching for anything she thinks will ease her pain.  But i know this wont do it.  Nothing will do that!  only you.  I wish you could just tell me what to do!

It still doesnt feel real.  I have your picture as my background on my computer, and when i look at it, I go into complete denial.  Sometimes, i tell myself that you are not really gone, and i imagine you traveling for work.  I have this picture in my mind, you have on a red tie, your sleeves rolled up, your aviator sunglasses on, and you are at a job site, taking measurements and writing down facts and figures and making sketches.  and you are in an area with bad cell reception and that's why we cant talk to you right now. But you will call us when you can. And you tell us of all the fun adventures you are having with your job.  The job you loved so much. 

Please come back and visit me.  Tell me what to do, because I'm drowning down here.  Tell me how to take care of mom and dad.  Tell me how to be a wife again.  Tell me what to do for Elliott.  Tell me how to not be angry.  Tell me what i'm supposed to do now?!  and please just give me some comfort.  Let me know that you are ok, that you're happy.  Tell me that there was a purpose in you leaving us so young!  Tell me that you love me, and that you know I love you.  Tell me you forgive me.  And please just come back and let me see your smile again. 

Good night Bubba.  I love you.

Day 17

Well, I made it one full week at work.  I dont mean it to sound like an accomplishment.  Everyday was a struggle.  I did not want to get out of bed every morning.  I really just want to lay there and feel sorry for myself.  I dont think that is too much to ask.  Then I would have to walk the halls everyday at the hospital and wonder "what am I doing here?!"  I talked to the Dean about taking a Leave of absence.  he said that I had that opportunity.  But mom and dad really want me to finish the semester.  They keep saying, "AC was so proud of you being a Doctor, he wouldn't want this to stop you." So I keep going, not for you, bubba, but for them.  Maybe it gives them something to hold onto right now?  Maybe not?  I really hate being there, especially the ICU.  One, because I was in the ICU when mom called me that morning.  And Two, because i look around at all those people hooked up to monitors and I keep thinking, "why do they deserve to be here?" "Why cant that be you in that bed?" It makes me angry and sad to be there.  It makes me angry and sad to go round on my patients each morning and listen to them bitch and moan about how much their life sucks right now because they cant eat solid foods for 2 days after surgery, or because they cant go smoke their cigarette, or listen to nurses gripe about how annoying patients are.  I just want to yell at them to shut up, I want to tell them what a real bad time I'm having right now.  I think we should bring back the tradition of wearing all black when you are in mourning, just so people will know what state i'm in and watch what they say around me.

Hunter and I went home this weekend.  We were going to go to your house and get all your stuff.  But, by the time hunter and I made it to Greenwood, mom and Dad were gone.  They went there alone to get your clothes.  Mom has been desperately looking for your baby blanket.  You hid it really well.  Greg said he saw it one time at his house.  That weekend he brought the family down to AR.  That was the same weekend we went to the lake with Brian and Samantha.  He said his girls found it and were teasing you??  So mom and dad searched all over Greg's house but couldnt find it.  While they were gone, Hunter and i searched your room and still nothing.  Mom just seemed so depressed and kept saying that she would feel better if we could find your blanket. Saturday, Hunter and Dad went back to your house to get the tv and couch.  While they were gone, I looked in the attic, the game room, mom's closet, my closet, elliott's closet, the hall closet with our ski stuff?? under your mattresses, thru your drawers, in your shoes, in keepsake boxes, in the old Xbox box on top of your closet and nothing.  I kept calling out to you all weekend to just show me where you hid it.  I know its silly, but I even hoped I would have some sort of divine intervention and you would come to me in a dream and reveal the location and the next morning i would walk right up to the blanket and present it to mom and dad and for a second, one small second, they would be happy.  I am trying so hard to comfort them, but I feel like nothing i'm doing is working.  I am even calling everyone everyday and texting them throughout the day to let them know I'm thinking of them. (even tho they dont call me everyday, trying not to be bitter about that) But I feel so inadequate.  I feel like a failure. There's nothing I can say or do to make it right, because i know there is nothing anyone can say to me right now.  Sunday, mom decided you needed new bedding.  Something more masculine i guess? The one that was on your bed had a tear in it and really, i think she just wanted you to have something nice.  So we went to Kohl's and got you this grey comforter.  I think it goes nicely with your black bed and grey/blue walls.  Also, mom has people coming to the house tomorrow to hang your tv on the wall in your bedroom.  I think a 46" tv in your bedroom is a little excessive.  We all tried to convince mom that it should go in the living room, but she wouldn't hear of it.  So, this massive tv is hanging in your room.  You would have loved it.  We drove home around 430.  My heart aches to leave them.  I worry about them.  About what happens when no one is there.  They are alone with their grief in the quiet house staring at eachother.  What do they say? What do they do? Are they fighting? Are they crying?

Hunter and I got into a huge fight the other day.  The biggest fight we've had in years.  I say we, when it was really me lashing out at him.  I said some horrible things A.C.  you would be so ashamed of me.  I told him that he wasn't taking care of me, I told him that he was expecting me to carry him through this.  I told him that it was my turn to grieve and that I didnt care about his feelings right now.  I told him how I hate hearing about what a great time he's having at work everyday and that he's selfish.  And more other really bad bad things that i'm too embarassed to admit right now.  I even broke my travel coffee mug!  I'm so embarrassed. And while it was happening, It was as if I didnt know what was going on.  These words were just pouring out of my mouth and he just sat there on the couch, quietly letting me do it.  After about an hour, i was exhausted and I fell to the ground sobbing.  My heart breaking as I replayed the previous encounter in my mind.  How could I say those things to him.  He's been such a rock for me.  He really has stepped up to the plate and carried me through this.  I think that I had been working so hard to hold my emotions in at work for 8 hours a day, that maybe i just snapped and all my emotions: anger, saddness, fear, bitterness, grief just exploded onto Hunter.  I have apologized everyday for my outburst.  He says he is not mad at me.  He says, he understands what I'm going through (which he does).  He says that he knows why this is happening, because when someone is hurting, you want to know that those around you are hurting too.  He says that this wont be the last time I take my emotions out on him.  I dont want to be hateful.  I dont want to hurt him!  I feel so horrible for this fight, or whatever it was.  He really has been so good to me. 

Sunday night, at around 10 pm.  Mom texts me: I found the blanket.  Apparently, she got this urge to take down some of your yearbooks from the shelf in your closet, and there it was!  All scrunched up behind your yearbooks.  I tore your closet apart not once, not twice, but 3 times, and i never thought to look behind your yearbooks?? why would you hide it there?? But I'm so relieved to know that she found it.  Maybe you put it there so she would be the one to find it.  I keep trying to find hidden meaning and symbols in everything that has happened so far.  Maybe I shouldn't? Either way, it is safe now. 

Monday, Today was a gloomy, rainy day.  Perfect for staying in bed and being lazy.  And thats just how I kept picturing you all day.  Laying in bed, all warm and cozy with your electric blanket, eating a pop tart and watching cartoons.  So silly, a grown man, watching cartoons.  But that was you!  I had a really hard time getting through the day.  I was thinking about you so much, so  I called MADD.  I think I want to get involved somehow.  I want the whole family to be involved!  I found a list of the 5Ks they have in neighboring states, but none in AR!!! Well, we'll just have to change that now wont we!  And you know this time next year, the first AR Walk like MADD 5K is going to be led by me!

Good night Bubba!  I love you!